Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
