I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
