My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
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I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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