so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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