Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Randomize
