She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I would fuck him just for his dog
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Randomize
