I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
he was CRYING into my vagina
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize
