i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
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