I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
