I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Randomize
