I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
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Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
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We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
The struggles of a small town man whore
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
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