You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
