It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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