I am in a vortex of obligation.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Some milfs here doing some blow
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together