i may or may not be watching the land before time
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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