I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Randomize
