dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
I smell stomach acid.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
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No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
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Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to