I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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