Where is the hickey?
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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