she looked like the bat from fern gully.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
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Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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