I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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