Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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