Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
Ambien. No doubt about it.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
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