dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
