I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
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