Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
