the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
