last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Randomize
