i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
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After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
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Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
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