She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
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