If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Randomize
