this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
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