i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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