I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
