Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Randomize
