so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
