just survived the first fart of the relationship.
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
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