is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
