Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
