I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
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