Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Never joke about your clitoris.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
