Umm I'm too high to move.
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Randomize
