Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
