Is it because I queefed?
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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