I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
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