I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
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