Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
