my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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