i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Pretty sure I just has te same conversation as you. He suggested I get, sell, and fuck the hoes, and once all was said and done, that I should refer afforementioned hoes to him, to perform felatio.
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If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
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Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo