You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
These 19 People Had Awkward Celebrity Sex Dreams
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
These 27 People Had No Idea What They Were Doing When It Came To Sex
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
All I want is dick and wine.