It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
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i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
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Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.