i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
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I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
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I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.