Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Boobs speak an international language.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!