Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.