Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.