4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
