I think I won the penis lottery.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
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Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
These 25 People Had Very Inappropriate Sexual Relations(hips)
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.