It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
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My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
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Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.