Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
she peed on how many people?
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
