Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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