dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
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