I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
